Otters in Love

Ok I just have to post this, I saw this on CathyZ's blog and thought it was the cutest thing ever. Check it out. It will definetely make you go Awwww.

Troy and Raven

A boy and his dog. A true first love.

Baking Christmas cookies with Shea

What a fun time getting all messy making Christmas cookies with Shea and my sister Bonnie. These cookies are melt in your mouth good and the recipe is so simple ......
2 cups of flour
1/4 cup of sugar
1/8 teas. salt

2 teas. vanilla extract
2 sticks of butter
1 cup crushed walnuts or pecans
bake at 350 for 20 minute when cool roll in powdered sugar YUM

Chicago Bound

Heading to Chicago on friday. Hope it's NOT to cold as it's been in the 60's here and anything below that would feel like a shock to my system!

Looking to get some holiday cheer as best I can.

From Scoot and I, have a great holiday season and check back soon....I'm feeling like a blogging frenzy is coming on.

La Senorita at the alamo

Having a little fun with my BFF (maybe not after this) Since she has been feeling under the weather I'm making a bold effort to make her smile. To get the full effect of the video please turn music off or pause at bottom of page..:)

True Story

Last Wednesday dh and had to go to Knoxville for a business meeting. Thankfully, I was all to happy to stay at the hotel while Dean had his meeting. Caught up on a proofing deadline from a wedding photo shoot with my ever so convenient laptop.

As I'm sitting comfortably and periodically gazing out the window I see a truck like ours pull up. I automatically think this is Dean coming back from his meeting. A little early I thought but heck the truck had all the marking s of being ours including, the same dealership tag. After a few minutes I'm wondering why he isn't getting out and coming in. So I think maybe I missed him getting out and look over my shoulder and who do I see going up the stairs but Vince Vaughn the actor. Funny that my response to myself was "oh there's Vince Vaughn, now why the heck isn't Dean getting out of the truck. So I go over to it, peer inside and it's NOT Dean but a 20 something driver who apparently just dropped the (by now) ever so popular V.V. to his press meeting to promote his upcoming film Fred Claus.

The funniest part of this afternoon was watching the people as they catch a glimpse of him and their responses to having a brush with fame. Two teenagers scream and dial their girlfriends upon exiting the hotel and entering the garage, by which I'm certain that the echo could be heard for miles. Another guest sitting close by gasping with her mouth open (as he emerges from his meeting to his awaiting cloned car) where she proceeds to call a friend to say "you know what just happened?" This was utterly and completely more amusing and fascinating than watching mister V.V. himself. The reactions of people when they see someone famous is pure entertainment. As for me, I was glad to have the animation while I was waiting and to also see how this was completely lost on Dean who didn't know who he was from Adam. Wedding Crashers is just not his kind of flick..lol

Garden Planning/Idea

Bet you might be wondering what all those bags of mulch are for?

I'm deliriously excited about my new project for my garden. I'm calling it the secret trail.

Below my garden flowers and landscaping are trees/vines and brush. Dh came up with the idea of making it a mountain walking trail since we live on the side of one, it sounded like a super very cool plan.

I still have a lot of cleaning up to do but can't wait to take walks on it with my puppy who loves to get out in the woods and be a dog. From start to finish it twists and winds until you come out at the other end of our property. I also made 2 different ways to enter it and 2 different ways to take it. How COOL is that!!! With a mountain view opening on one side!!

New Nickname??

Shea has been thinking of a new nickname lately and especially after I slipped and called her the old one (chickadee) and having her tell me to STOP calling her that! . She she found one and it's the name of a bird that comes in the morning. My guess is a dove and will try calling her "Little Dove" (Uncle Dean came up with the little part) until she wants a new one again. Sounds like a Cherokee Indians name Shea.....lol

Helping hands

It's been forever since I posted a scrap page. I had this one partially made for a long time. I just love this photo and what it represents especially for Shea at this time in her life. Help for what ever she needs from family is a very good thing indeed!

On another note I had a nickname picked out for Shea and thought she liked until a couple weeks ago she said (quite demanding) "STOP CALLING ME THAT! lol Now when we talk she wants to know if I found another one for her. Hmmm. I always had this idea that a nickname was a precious form of sentiment and affection. Something not to be discarded so easily. Apparently not for Shea, it's out with the old and in with the new.....lol ... like an old pair of shoes or handbag. I fear high maintenance is in her future..lol

Ok so she's entitled!! Alas, I acquiesce and bid adieu to our little "chickadee" (named for her becuase of her giggle) as I'm given the commission (mandate) to find something new. Still thinking on that one Shea.

Some things for me on the other hand, are a little harder to let go, so before I say goodbye to my "chickadee" name for you, I snuck one on this page for old time sake. ;)

Love this pout

This is Autumn my friend Jessica's little 2 year old.

Does she not have that pout think going on or what?? She's actually not pouting per se. Just a cute little expression that makes you want to pick her up and give her a big ole smooch!

Too adorable!

NicholeVan's Color Pop actions

Trying my hand at the colorpop outdoor actions from NicholeVPhotograpy I'm lovin the color saturation and control these actions give you. Boy am I gonna have FUN!

Thank you cards

One month today

The days go by slow and my Mom is never far from my thoughts.

The waves of emotion still strike. I wonder if I will ever heal from the loss. I'm beginning to think that, there is no such thing as getting over the pain of it all, maybe it might not hurt as often or as deep but I do know it will be with me the rest of my life. I miss her so much that sometimes it just doesn't seem real. I'm still in the mode of thinking she is still here, often times wandering around a store and thinking of the things she would like for my next package to send her. We shared gifts and goodies on a regular basis. I also think of picking up the phone to tell her what just happened with a quick realization of "she's gone, she's really gone". I miss her voice. Her laugh. Her indulging me with my ramblings on and on about something silly or absurd and having her actually sounding like she was enjoying them.

We shared so many funny stories over the phone....hers were generally about the grand kids or a neighbor, mine about my puppy or husband (the butt of most my jokes). Sometimes we laughed to the point of tears at how funny something was or what someone did. Mom was a practical joker with a real sense of humor. I somehow sense that this indelible loss marks a turning point in my life, one where life just doesn't have the same sweet flavor. It's like taking a sip of lemonade where the lemons to make it seem too bitter and tart.

I miss you Mom so very, very much!! You knew I would!

Shea's walk for a cure

This letter is forwarded to you from my 5 year old niece Shea.

Shea was diagnosed with Leukemia in May of 2007. She is a bright, outgoing little girl with a huge amount of courage and heart. Her genuine thoughtfulness and compassion for others in spite of her ongoing struggles really makes her beautiful from the inside out.

Any help you can give her to help her cause would be greatly appreciated. I also want to offer a thank you gift to you for your generosity. Please e-mail me back to let me know you have participated.

Please know your thoughtfulness gives hope to many other children battling this disease.

Thank you in advance for your kindness.
Colleen

Shea's letter:

Hi There!

I am raising money for this very important cause and I'm asking you to help by making a contribution! Please use the link in this email to donate online quickly & securely. You will receive email confirmation of your donation and I will be notified as soon as you make your donation. I thank you in advance for your support, and really appreciate your generosity!!

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnChicag/2029_SheaJones

Please forward this email to as many people as you can to encourage them to donate as well!Thank you for helping me fight the fight.

Love,
Shea

Shea Jones sent this e-mail to you to let you know about the ActiveGiving online fundraising tools. You are a personal contact of Shea Jones. All donations will be processed via ActiveGiving's secure credit card processing services.If you wish to be removed from Shea Jones' personal contact list, please contact Shea directly by replying to this message. Visit The Active Network's Privacy Policy and User Agreement: http://www.theactivenetwork.com/privacystatement if you have any questions.

New Video Footer

These lyrics are kind of how I'm feeling lately. Trying not to waste this time in my life no matter how long I have, I want to know that there is a reason for my life and to try and be in the moment no matter what I'm going through so I don't miss a thing.

Our Lives ( The Calling )

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life In this world
Divided by fear
We've gotta believe thatThere's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here

CHORUS:'
Cause these are the days worth livin
'These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

See the truth all around
Our faith can be broken
And our hands can be bound
But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?

'Cause these are the days worth livin
'These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
'Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

We can't go onThinking it's wrongTo speak our minds
I've gotta let out what's inside

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, well can we get it right?

'Cause these are the days worth livin
'These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
These are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

Shea the helper

This is a cute photo. Shea helping me wrap her cousins graduation presents from Mom while she was in the hospital. What a wonderful little helper you are. Always pitching in with everything that needs to be done (even when thirty pieces of tape are needed to secure the wrapping) but more important my sweet girl you are a loving encourager!!! You are positive, caring, supportive and nurturing. You helped take care of Grandma in the most loving and touching manner that I never want to forget what you did for her to make her feel better. And you DID make her feel better. You even made sure I helped cut her food smaller so it would be easier for her to swallow. Such beautiful personality traits you have my sweet and special niece!

I love watching you bloom Shea. You have a beautiful heart and I love being around you. You always make me feel good about myself without trying. It's so natural coming from you that it sometimes blows me away with the surprise of it but also the maturity of your character. I'll never forget a few weeks ago when I was in Uncle Dale's pool with you, when I finally dunked under water for the first time getting my hair all wet, as I came up you said, I looked pretty. Wow! You just know instinctively and with complete innocence how to say the right thing to make a person feel good even if it's something little like making a middle-aged aunt think she may still have it going on....lol . And believe me when I say that made me feel real good! lol

The real pleasure of those words are that it was YOU who thought I was pretty and that you would say this to me made my evening....oh heck made my year!!!

I love you bunches "my Chickadee!"

Favorite Photo

One of my favorite photo of my Mom with Scooter. Two peas in a pod. Scooter never left my Mom's side during her visit last August. Sat on her lap and lay on her belly all the time while she was here. Knowing the story of how we adopted Scooter with Mom's help as a conduit was even more meaningful to me when seeing them bond together. They were adorable together. This photo was taken before we knew she was sick. I loved how she loved Scooter, my house and garden and that she felt so much at home with Dean and I that she could do anything she wanted. To this day I enjoy the creative vision Mom had at arranging my wall pictures. They're so much nicer to view after what she did with them. So many memories of places we went to shop, hang out and lunch at. Watching movies and spoiling her at the spa. I had so much satisfaction watching her come out of her pagoda room from her massage in the mountains. She was relaxed and pampered, just like she needed to be. I miss her so much!

Sad days ahead

Checking in with all my friends today.

I haven't felt much like blogging of late and much of it has been due to the overwhelming experience of my Mother being sick and then just recently having left this world. (Monday, August 6, 2007 at 12:00 noon).

Although, we knew this was coming and inevitable from her diagnosis it still felt like shock and that it was too soon to even think of letting her go from our life. We (family) of course wanted her longer than what God planned. She in turn said she was OK with dying but would like to stay longer to watch the youngest grandchildren become adults.

She was to me a Mom and a friend. My life has been drastically changed and I feel this sorrow so intensely that if you were to stick me with a 100 needles it wouldn't touch the pain inside.
I try and look ahead as to what my life will be like without her. Who will I call to share my successes, as well as, my everyday incidental happenings and events? Who can I look to for words of encouragement that she so often gave to me with complete faith in my abilities to do anything I put my mind to. Who will be there to pick up the phone when I need advice about my garden or home projects or to share a joke or silly moment. My Mom meant so much to me that going in my home and looking around brings me to tears. She is everywhere. We both scarp booked together and made crafts. We shared the passions of gardening together, she even visited me at this time each summer to add to the beauty of it. The emptiness so indelible that I cry often and without warning.

I know that in days ahead this will get easier but for now the vacant place where she once played a significant role for me is seemingly feeling large and empty. She was irreplaceable to me.

I loved her beyond measure and couldn't even find the words to articulate the feelings I had inside. She knew this and for that I am blessed. I am comforted by many thoughts of sharing my life and love for her throughout the years but also by the simple truth of being able to hold her while she was taking her last breaths. I never thought I had that kind of courage, as I inasmuch said I didn't think I could handle or bear it, but when the time came the thought never entered my mind to leave her side. My sister on the other side of Mom while we cradled her was meaningful and poignant. The once unknown fear led to need and then turned to desire. To be there to comfort her as she left this world was a privilege. Two daughters bound in common to a Mother who taught us how to nurture with love and kindness. It couldn't be any other way. She would have been expecting that from us and proud that we surrendered to it in spite of the intense feelings of despair and sorrow. God answered my prayers in every way possible. For that and so much more I am grateful. She knew I and her entire family were there for her and that this affirmation of love will be with me forever. God is wonderful and I know we will see each other again. Until then I will always hear her gentle voice in my ear and be reminded of all the joy and blessings in my life and how fortunate I was that she was in it.

She was a good Mom who loved her family immensely!

She was a hands on Grandmother whose kisses and hugs were always given free and plentiful!

100 hand made wedding Invitations

Ta da!

Finally completed the jackets of the wedding invitation I've been commissioned to make. The style is really indicative of the couples life together. Outdoorsy kind who like to camp and hike etc. She added her own special and personal touch by choosing nature colors and adding the stamp and ribbon.

Whoo Hoo got me a new lens!

Nothing makes me happier than having the opportunity to acquire more camera gear. I will be shooting a wedding in September and wanted to make sure I have the bases covered with the right apparatus. To that end, I recently bought this baby! Canon's 24-70mm 2.8 L series lensSo many great ratings on this lens. Amazon also rated it with 5 stars. Can't wait to get my hands on it.

An All Star Player

CONGRATULATIONS TO TROY and his team the "PIRATES" in winning the Orland Hills Pinto League Chamipnship !!!! Well done little man!

Melancholy and Blue

Over the past couple of days, I found myself feeling sad. Crying at the thought of family going through some really tough and heartbreaking stuff. Feeling weak and fragile that I cry at the mentioning of [ "how is your Mom and Niece doing?"] from concerned friends and business associates. Thinking guilty thoughts for allowing myself to indulge in this weakness because after all, I keep telling myself, "I'm not the one whose sick and suffering.!"

I think I'm finally realizing that maybe at some point ( more like now) I may need support for my feelings and emotions. I'm trying so hard all the time to hold it together with myself that the sheer thought of being anything but supportive and strong leaves me feeling fear and guilt. So many other things going on in my life that any additional pressure even minor in nature is difficult to manage. Convincing myself over and over that this is just a temporary funk and I will be out of it soon. Control and management in the "emotions" field is probably not something we can at all times harness with perfect results nor have a complete understanding of but there are lessons here to....one where I need to just decide to not think it is weak to cry and fall apart and to allow myself times to work through this labyrinth like water does over rocks in a river. To also be mindful in giving it to the Lord and letting go of it. To also talk more with friends who care and want to help. When I bring it all down to the basics and say to myself...."you are allowed to feel this way and it's not wrong" it comes into perspective. Loving myself enough to give myself time to sort it all out and to find comfort wherever and from whomever it is found. This to me seems the most rational method in dealing with this illogical state.

Each day brings it's own set of experiences and sometimes there are no rules or guidlines to follow. Every tomorrow is sometimes just like any other day. A day that has fixed schedules and appointments with the requisite "to do lists" and errands. Then there's the occasional pepper (emotions) ...the not on my list things.... thrown in for good measure. Maybe it's to make life more challenging and less mundane. Or it's to help us grow and learn more about ourselves? At days end, I hope it's the latter because above all else I want to be a better person even if it means enduring a bunch of sadness for now! I may not always handle it right, I may not even hold it together for that matter, but it's still good to know that I feel deeply about the things and people that matter. Even if I'm lacking good management of these little to big waves of uncontrolable consciousness, I am starting to believe that it will bring about an awareness and new perspective to my life, albeit, I'd much rather learn it all another way. I'm starting to think maybe this will make me a more sympathetic, thoughtful, tolerant and considerate person of others who are hit with the same or similar set of "no rules" feelings and issues. Maybe it's absurd for me to even try and sort out an answer for having to deal with these dark and unpredictable encounters of my psychie. Can I possibly be over analyzing? Lord knows there are reasons for feeling sad these days. Maybe just going through it and letting it out it's simply a kind of the release and that's all there is to it. A mechanism to keep us healthy and sane during troubled times. Is there a sensible explanation? I'm beginning to feel that these nonsensical outbursts may not be altogether that bad even if I do get out of control and difficult to understand at times (much to my husbands dismay)!
One thing is for darn sure, you can throw out the window the idea that my behavior is rational and easy to get a grip on and even though this may be true, it doesn't mean that they are not valid feelings and thoughts. So if by chance you see me weeping out of control and losing my composure, please know there must be a reason for it somewhere........ ;) In time I hope this will all work out for the better but for now I'm going off to have a good cry! I'll be strong tomorrow...........

New Banner for Shea

I made this banner for Shea who loves everything fairies and mermaids. Hope you like my fairy Shea. Love ya, Chickadee.

You silly silly girl you

Ok chickie, I get the hint. I always have the camera and enough is enough right? Well, if you must know the truth it's these kind of photos that I really love. The everyday you being silly and in my opinion so very very cute!!

Fathers Day

A fun day of sun and splashes on Fathers Day. You guys make me happy!

The Amazing Stuff

While dealing and coping with the hard stuff in life, there is a (little by little) new realization and awareness that starts to kick in when you least expect it. The moments of sadness and heartache somehow subside when you open your eyes to a new and wonderful perspective in the process of picking up the pieces with a mind that on most occasions won't let you forget that that uncertainty and fear may be right around the corner.

The bits and pieces that make it easier. The friendships and fellowship of sincere persons trying to help where they can and allowing us to call on them for comfort and relief. The moments where in spite of the difficulties there are incredible moments of clarity and understanding. Moments of an awakening of a renewed and beautiful spirit, not only in me but also in the ones whom are suffering. The courage that radiates anew from each trial undertaken. The hope for a better day which never ceases it's bright fire inside me. The compassion and outreaching from all corners of my psyche.

In truth, I'm on a road of self-discovery. A journey that is showing me that the many people I hold dear to my heart are temporary and what matters most of all is not trying to hold onto and meditate on what I can lose, but to make every second and moment count while we do have loved ones here right now. The inevitable is, we all lose loved ones. For me right now...in my mind....I'm NOT going there, to that place of anguish and despair. I'm not allowing that thought and sadness to creep in and sabotage what my potential good offerings are. There is too much time wasted thinking of the inevitable making your heart feel like its disintegrating into a tiny million little pieces. I want to help make everything (with the strength that is given me) a precious and meaningful moment. To always realize that time goes by fast if your not awake and I want to be alive in the expectancy of something good is ready to happen at any time. To be aware of every little opportunity that I'm allowed to show the love, happiness, joy, kindness, comfort and laughter that I've been so amazingly blessed with from a mother who knew how to give all of these attributes in an inexhaustible supply throughout my life. I hope she always felt that appreciation and gratitude from me. Can we convey that enough? My answer to myself is a firm and decidedly NO! There is never a bottom to the well of love. It keeps replenishing itself and while it does it grows bigger and bigger putting in place a heart that is so full it feels like it can burst and in place of the sadness it's filled with a personal peace and a "happy kind of joy" that literally cannot contain itself. It bursts forth with an unabashedly silly smile and grin, because deep down, I truly feel it's not just for our loved ones that we are giving this sense of trying to " make it all better", but in retrospect we are giving to ourselves in the process. A healing of the soul and this is ONE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIFT that just keeps on giving and getting better and better. Passing on the love and watching how infectious it becomes. Now that in and of itself is a miracle!!

Coping

Last month has been extremely difficult emotionally. It seems like...and feels like our family was hit with a double punch to the gut that literally took the wind out of us all.

My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer that is inoperable and is undergoing chemotherapy. A devastating blow to all of us whom love her. The same week that my mother underwent chemo my little niece Shea, whom many of you may know through my art and photos, was diagnosed with leukemia. The very strange and seemingly surreal discovery was marked by and made more poignant by the fact that Shea was in the same hospital in the pediatrics wing while my mother was recovering from a brain biopsy. Even stranger is that they started their chemotherapy on the same day.

What to make of this all?? The why's that seemingly have no answers. Thinking the thoughts that "my God she is only a little child!! Very difficult and hard to understand that not only one loved one in a serious illness but that 2 very special persons in our lives are struggling and fighting for their lives. One knowing or sensing that the end could be near the other not knowing or fully understanding the seriousness of it all. Only that she is sick. Both in need of all our love and support.

Life doesn't prepare you for these types of crisis. The shock, the anger of it all. We can feel like we are navigating in a one person sailboat in the midst of a hurricane. In uncertain waters so to speak, feeling like we have no control. Often times feeling alone with our thoughts while trying to move ahead to stable shores. We want to help but at the same time feel helpless. We love but wonder if that's enough. I'm only an aunt and would gladly give my own life to give Shea a chance at hers. The depths of that same emotion in what her parents feel so deeply in their heart and soul can only be imagined by bystanders. But with incredible courage and determination they forge on ahead only thinking of victory over this invasive disease. I truly and whole heatedly believe that the one main ingredient to our emotional sanity and what invariably keeps us going is hope! Hope for a better day. Hope for a revelation of good news after so much bad news. Hope looms large and keeps getting larger. I believe in the power of these 4 letter words. With hope and love we can overcome all the hard stuff life hands out. Without God, hope, and love life would be meaningless.








To believing in more fun play days ahead!!!!!
Thinking of you everyday!