Over the past couple of days, I found myself feeling sad. Crying at the thought of family going through some really tough and heartbreaking stuff. Feeling weak and fragile that I cry at the mentioning of [ "how is your Mom and Niece doing?"] from concerned friends and business associates. Thinking guilty thoughts for allowing myself to indulge in this weakness because after all, I keep telling myself, "I'm not the one whose sick and suffering.!"
I think I'm finally realizing that maybe at some point ( more like now) I may need support for my feelings and emotions. I'm trying so hard all the time to hold it together with myself that the sheer thought of being anything but supportive and strong leaves me feeling fear and guilt. So many other things going on in my life that any additional pressure even minor in nature is difficult to manage. Convincing myself over and over that this is just a temporary funk and I will be out of it soon. Control and management in the "emotions" field is probably not something we can at all times harness with perfect results nor have a complete understanding of but there are lessons here to....one where I need to just decide to not think it is weak to cry and fall apart and to allow myself times to work through this labyrinth like water does over rocks in a river. To also be mindful in giving it to the Lord and letting go of it. To also talk more with friends who care and want to help. When I bring it all down to the basics and say to myself...."you are allowed to feel this way and it's not wrong" it comes into perspective. Loving myself enough to give myself time to sort it all out and to find comfort wherever and from whomever it is found. This to me seems the most rational method in dealing with this illogical state.
Each day brings it's own set of experiences and sometimes there are no rules or guidlines to follow. Every tomorrow is sometimes just like any other day. A day that has fixed schedules and appointments with the requisite "to do lists" and errands. Then there's the occasional pepper (emotions) ...the not on my list things.... thrown in for good measure. Maybe it's to make life more challenging and less mundane. Or it's to help us grow and learn more about ourselves? At days end, I hope it's the latter because above all else I want to be a better person even if it means enduring a bunch of sadness for now! I may not always handle it right, I may not even hold it together for that matter, but it's still good to know that I feel deeply about the things and people that matter. Even if I'm lacking good management of these little to big waves of uncontrolable consciousness, I am starting to believe that it will bring about an awareness and new perspective to my life, albeit, I'd much rather learn it all another way. I'm starting to think maybe this will make me a more sympathetic, thoughtful, tolerant and considerate person of others who are hit with the same or similar set of "no rules" feelings and issues. Maybe it's absurd for me to even try and sort out an answer for having to deal with these dark and unpredictable encounters of my psychie. Can I possibly be over analyzing? Lord knows there are reasons for feeling sad these days. Maybe just going through it and letting it out it's simply a kind of the release and that's all there is to it. A mechanism to keep us healthy and sane during troubled times. Is there a sensible explanation? I'm beginning to feel that these nonsensical outbursts may not be altogether that bad even if I do get out of control and difficult to understand at times (much to my husbands dismay)!
One thing is for darn sure, you can throw out the window the idea that my behavior is rational and easy to get a grip on and even though this may be true, it doesn't mean that they are not valid feelings and thoughts. So if by chance you see me weeping out of control and losing my composure, please know there must be a reason for it somewhere........ ;) In time I hope this will all work out for the better but for now I'm going off to have a good cry! I'll be strong tomorrow...........
Wednesday, June 27
Thursday, June 21
New Banner for Shea
I made this banner for Shea who loves everything fairies and mermaids. Hope you like my fairy Shea. Love ya, Chickadee.
You silly silly girl you
Ok chickie, I get the hint. I always have the camera and enough is enough right? Well, if you must know the truth it's these kind of photos that I really love. The everyday you being silly and in my opinion so very very cute!!
Tuesday, June 19
Tuesday, June 5
The Amazing Stuff
While dealing and coping with the hard stuff in life, there is a (little by little) new realization and awareness that starts to kick in when you least expect it. The moments of sadness and heartache somehow subside when you open your eyes to a new and wonderful perspective in the process of picking up the pieces with a mind that on most occasions won't let you forget that that uncertainty and fear may be right around the corner.
The bits and pieces that make it easier. The friendships and fellowship of sincere persons trying to help where they can and allowing us to call on them for comfort and relief. The moments where in spite of the difficulties there are incredible moments of clarity and understanding. Moments of an awakening of a renewed and beautiful spirit, not only in me but also in the ones whom are suffering. The courage that radiates anew from each trial undertaken. The hope for a better day which never ceases it's bright fire inside me. The compassion and outreaching from all corners of my psyche.
In truth, I'm on a road of self-discovery. A journey that is showing me that the many people I hold dear to my heart are temporary and what matters most of all is not trying to hold onto and meditate on what I can lose, but to make every second and moment count while we do have loved ones here right now. The inevitable is, we all lose loved ones. For me right now...in my mind....I'm NOT going there, to that place of anguish and despair. I'm not allowing that thought and sadness to creep in and sabotage what my potential good offerings are. There is too much time wasted thinking of the inevitable making your heart feel like its disintegrating into a tiny million little pieces. I want to help make everything (with the strength that is given me) a precious and meaningful moment. To always realize that time goes by fast if your not awake and I want to be alive in the expectancy of something good is ready to happen at any time. To be aware of every little opportunity that I'm allowed to show the love, happiness, joy, kindness, comfort and laughter that I've been so amazingly blessed with from a mother who knew how to give all of these attributes in an inexhaustible supply throughout my life. I hope she always felt that appreciation and gratitude from me. Can we convey that enough? My answer to myself is a firm and decidedly NO! There is never a bottom to the well of love. It keeps replenishing itself and while it does it grows bigger and bigger putting in place a heart that is so full it feels like it can burst and in place of the sadness it's filled with a personal peace and a "happy kind of joy" that literally cannot contain itself. It bursts forth with an unabashedly silly smile and grin, because deep down, I truly feel it's not just for our loved ones that we are giving this sense of trying to " make it all better", but in retrospect we are giving to ourselves in the process. A healing of the soul and this is ONE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIFT that just keeps on giving and getting better and better. Passing on the love and watching how infectious it becomes. Now that in and of itself is a miracle!!
The bits and pieces that make it easier. The friendships and fellowship of sincere persons trying to help where they can and allowing us to call on them for comfort and relief. The moments where in spite of the difficulties there are incredible moments of clarity and understanding. Moments of an awakening of a renewed and beautiful spirit, not only in me but also in the ones whom are suffering. The courage that radiates anew from each trial undertaken. The hope for a better day which never ceases it's bright fire inside me. The compassion and outreaching from all corners of my psyche.
In truth, I'm on a road of self-discovery. A journey that is showing me that the many people I hold dear to my heart are temporary and what matters most of all is not trying to hold onto and meditate on what I can lose, but to make every second and moment count while we do have loved ones here right now. The inevitable is, we all lose loved ones. For me right now...in my mind....I'm NOT going there, to that place of anguish and despair. I'm not allowing that thought and sadness to creep in and sabotage what my potential good offerings are. There is too much time wasted thinking of the inevitable making your heart feel like its disintegrating into a tiny million little pieces. I want to help make everything (with the strength that is given me) a precious and meaningful moment. To always realize that time goes by fast if your not awake and I want to be alive in the expectancy of something good is ready to happen at any time. To be aware of every little opportunity that I'm allowed to show the love, happiness, joy, kindness, comfort and laughter that I've been so amazingly blessed with from a mother who knew how to give all of these attributes in an inexhaustible supply throughout my life. I hope she always felt that appreciation and gratitude from me. Can we convey that enough? My answer to myself is a firm and decidedly NO! There is never a bottom to the well of love. It keeps replenishing itself and while it does it grows bigger and bigger putting in place a heart that is so full it feels like it can burst and in place of the sadness it's filled with a personal peace and a "happy kind of joy" that literally cannot contain itself. It bursts forth with an unabashedly silly smile and grin, because deep down, I truly feel it's not just for our loved ones that we are giving this sense of trying to " make it all better", but in retrospect we are giving to ourselves in the process. A healing of the soul and this is ONE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIFT that just keeps on giving and getting better and better. Passing on the love and watching how infectious it becomes. Now that in and of itself is a miracle!!
Wednesday, May 30
Coping
Last month has been extremely difficult emotionally. It seems like...and feels like our family was hit with a double punch to the gut that literally took the wind out of us all.
My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer that is inoperable and is undergoing chemotherapy. A devastating blow to all of us whom love her. The same week that my mother underwent chemo my little niece Shea, whom many of you may know through my art and photos, was diagnosed with leukemia. The very strange and seemingly surreal discovery was marked by and made more poignant by the fact that Shea was in the same hospital in the pediatrics wing while my mother was recovering from a brain biopsy. Even stranger is that they started their chemotherapy on the same day.
What to make of this all?? The why's that seemingly have no answers. Thinking the thoughts that "my God she is only a little child!! Very difficult and hard to understand that not only one loved one in a serious illness but that 2 very special persons in our lives are struggling and fighting for their lives. One knowing or sensing that the end could be near the other not knowing or fully understanding the seriousness of it all. Only that she is sick. Both in need of all our love and support.
Life doesn't prepare you for these types of crisis. The shock, the anger of it all. We can feel like we are navigating in a one person sailboat in the midst of a hurricane. In uncertain waters so to speak, feeling like we have no control. Often times feeling alone with our thoughts while trying to move ahead to stable shores. We want to help but at the same time feel helpless. We love but wonder if that's enough. I'm only an aunt and would gladly give my own life to give Shea a chance at hers. The depths of that same emotion in what her parents feel so deeply in their heart and soul can only be imagined by bystanders. But with incredible courage and determination they forge on ahead only thinking of victory over this invasive disease. I truly and whole heatedly believe that the one main ingredient to our emotional sanity and what invariably keeps us going is hope! Hope for a better day. Hope for a revelation of good news after so much bad news. Hope looms large and keeps getting larger. I believe in the power of these 4 letter words. With hope and love we can overcome all the hard stuff life hands out. Without God, hope, and love life would be meaningless.
To believing in more fun play days ahead!!!!!
Thinking of you everyday!
My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer that is inoperable and is undergoing chemotherapy. A devastating blow to all of us whom love her. The same week that my mother underwent chemo my little niece Shea, whom many of you may know through my art and photos, was diagnosed with leukemia. The very strange and seemingly surreal discovery was marked by and made more poignant by the fact that Shea was in the same hospital in the pediatrics wing while my mother was recovering from a brain biopsy. Even stranger is that they started their chemotherapy on the same day.
What to make of this all?? The why's that seemingly have no answers. Thinking the thoughts that "my God she is only a little child!! Very difficult and hard to understand that not only one loved one in a serious illness but that 2 very special persons in our lives are struggling and fighting for their lives. One knowing or sensing that the end could be near the other not knowing or fully understanding the seriousness of it all. Only that she is sick. Both in need of all our love and support.
Life doesn't prepare you for these types of crisis. The shock, the anger of it all. We can feel like we are navigating in a one person sailboat in the midst of a hurricane. In uncertain waters so to speak, feeling like we have no control. Often times feeling alone with our thoughts while trying to move ahead to stable shores. We want to help but at the same time feel helpless. We love but wonder if that's enough. I'm only an aunt and would gladly give my own life to give Shea a chance at hers. The depths of that same emotion in what her parents feel so deeply in their heart and soul can only be imagined by bystanders. But with incredible courage and determination they forge on ahead only thinking of victory over this invasive disease. I truly and whole heatedly believe that the one main ingredient to our emotional sanity and what invariably keeps us going is hope! Hope for a better day. Hope for a revelation of good news after so much bad news. Hope looms large and keeps getting larger. I believe in the power of these 4 letter words. With hope and love we can overcome all the hard stuff life hands out. Without God, hope, and love life would be meaningless.
To believing in more fun play days ahead!!!!!
Thinking of you everyday!
Wednesday, May 2
Spring Company
What a pleasant surprise to see we have a new family of robins making a home in our top deck. I can't see the inside of their nest but suspect they are now feeding the little ones. Mamma stays put by keeping them warm while daddy goes out for food. I only wish I could see down into her nest. Oh we'll, I'll just have to settle for mini glimpses. We are very careful not to disturb their peace and family happiness.
Tuesday, May 1
Mom on my mind
Last summer, Mom and I visited the Grove Park Inn Resort and Spa for a girls day of relaxation and togetherness. And although we are both squinting from the sun in our eyes, I love this photo of us together. I see in this photo more than any other a strong resemblance in our features especially with our eyes. We squint the same way...ha!
Thinking and praying for a good doctors report and speedy recovery and that soon she will be well enough to visit me this summer so we can play in my garden and become spoiled rotten!
Thinking and praying for a good doctors report and speedy recovery and that soon she will be well enough to visit me this summer so we can play in my garden and become spoiled rotten!
Friday, April 27
Thursday, April 19
Saving Dean
The day was finally here. I planned a series of test for him to take with Life Line Screening because he has a growing aorta aneurysm. It's been growing over the years and I fear for the worse. With a little grumbling we made it in and out within 1 hour. Of course, he wouldn't tell me all the details but just knowing that the nurses wanted me in there to tell me what they found was in itself enough to say it could be serious.
Short of it all is that his aorta aneurysm is at 3.2 cm. I think they preform the stint at 4 to 5 cm It's nerve wrecking close but may not be the worse of it. They found out that he has a 70 % blockage on the left side of his neck and that the right side is pumping like mad. OK, that seems pretty darn serious to me but will the man make a doctors appointment to fix it??? His answer to me was " I have things to do first" WHAT!!!... and he says; "that requires surgery". Simple common sense tells me he shouldn't wait but he's a man at days end!! (deduced after talking with many friends whose husbands do the same by thinking they can conquer their illness without any help). No doctors, no pills kinda guy!
Argh! What is a wife to do...nag at him all the time? Ok, at the very least I know what the score and what the tests revealed even if I'm helpless in the fight to save him. I hate that whole horse and water analogy. Why can't I make him drink? The best I know to do... is to do what I always do and that is to keep on praying for him!
Short of it all is that his aorta aneurysm is at 3.2 cm. I think they preform the stint at 4 to 5 cm It's nerve wrecking close but may not be the worse of it. They found out that he has a 70 % blockage on the left side of his neck and that the right side is pumping like mad. OK, that seems pretty darn serious to me but will the man make a doctors appointment to fix it??? His answer to me was " I have things to do first" WHAT!!!... and he says; "that requires surgery". Simple common sense tells me he shouldn't wait but he's a man at days end!! (deduced after talking with many friends whose husbands do the same by thinking they can conquer their illness without any help). No doctors, no pills kinda guy!
Argh! What is a wife to do...nag at him all the time? Ok, at the very least I know what the score and what the tests revealed even if I'm helpless in the fight to save him. I hate that whole horse and water analogy. Why can't I make him drink? The best I know to do... is to do what I always do and that is to keep on praying for him!
Friday, April 6
FMI
A short conversation "For my Information" from a 5 year old girl.
While driving home from the movies, my niece Shea who is never the one to be at a loss for words says "Aunt Colleen you need to put both hands on the wheel"! At the time I'm trying to maintain a steady and what I think safe drive.
Stunned that this comment is coming from a child (did I say a 5 year old) seriously going on 20.
"Oh, ok" I reply. Still in disbelief that I was being checked on this, she proceeds to tell me..."because if you don't we can get into an accident."
"Eh um, no Shea we don't want that!"
So, for the rest of the ride my 2 hands were securely on the wheel in the 3 & 9 o'clock position. Suddenly I felt like I was taking my driving test all over again....lol This adult had a serious reprimand that made a whole lotta sense! Thanks Shea, I will remember to do what you said! Check!
While driving home from the movies, my niece Shea who is never the one to be at a loss for words says "Aunt Colleen you need to put both hands on the wheel"! At the time I'm trying to maintain a steady and what I think safe drive.
Stunned that this comment is coming from a child (did I say a 5 year old) seriously going on 20.
"Oh, ok" I reply. Still in disbelief that I was being checked on this, she proceeds to tell me..."because if you don't we can get into an accident."
"Eh um, no Shea we don't want that!"
So, for the rest of the ride my 2 hands were securely on the wheel in the 3 & 9 o'clock position. Suddenly I felt like I was taking my driving test all over again....lol This adult had a serious reprimand that made a whole lotta sense! Thanks Shea, I will remember to do what you said! Check!
Thursday, April 5
Busy Days
I know I've been a blog slacker lately but with good reason. Just returned from a quick trip from my home town of Chicago. It was a wirlwind stay with so many scheduled events and to do's. Good news is, I did everything I planned on doing, including, a photoshoot with my 2 lovely nieces and another unexpected session with my cousin's 2 boys. Pure delight.
It was rainy the day of the girls shoot but they were complete troopers. Of course each of us has what they call "the Jones curse" by having curly hair that does not cooperate in these kind of conditions. It was funny how we were all saying we should have brought an umbrella. A duh moment for sure! In the end it was so hard to pick a favorite photo. They both looked great in so many. I have to say I just adore being with them and making a memory even if the weather was slightly yucky!!
Also, attended my dear friends wedding last week. What a total blast celebrating with her huge family. Italians really do know how to have FUN!! The food was outrageously good and the best part aside from the ceremony itself was catching up with her family after so long. Great memories!
Here are a few of my favorite photos to date
More to follow including the wedding and some cute ones of my niece Shea. For more check out my photography blog
It was rainy the day of the girls shoot but they were complete troopers. Of course each of us has what they call "the Jones curse" by having curly hair that does not cooperate in these kind of conditions. It was funny how we were all saying we should have brought an umbrella. A duh moment for sure! In the end it was so hard to pick a favorite photo. They both looked great in so many. I have to say I just adore being with them and making a memory even if the weather was slightly yucky!!
Also, attended my dear friends wedding last week. What a total blast celebrating with her huge family. Italians really do know how to have FUN!! The food was outrageously good and the best part aside from the ceremony itself was catching up with her family after so long. Great memories!
Here are a few of my favorite photos to date
More to follow including the wedding and some cute ones of my niece Shea. For more check out my photography blog
Friday, March 30
Monday, March 19
Thursday, March 15
Navy Pier FUN!
Loved seeing Navy Pier last summer with Bruce's family. To see it for the first time with them was a real treat. So much to do. Next time we need to spend the whole day!
Monday, March 12
Feeling inspired
Wow! It's amazing how you can flip into and out of feeling inspired and creative. Lately, I've been going through a bit of a dry spell, "the blahs"... then all the sudden that magical creative bug comes knocking back to say hello. It also helps to have brand spankin new products delivered to your door. Love that UPS guy! Don't worry Dean it's purely superficial.
My beautiful niece Jenna just being ... well...her beautiful self of course!
Sample bridal shower invite. Still working out the details;)
Friday, March 9
TGIF and all it's good for
* woke up with stomache pains (must have been the fish)??
* computer whoas this am... (D***) d-link!...***that means darn ;)
* paid an insane $$ amount of bills
* still packing for our office move
* found office door unlocked while we were out of town :(
* on the phone for an hour with cs-rep for a transaction that only takes 2 seconds
* it's not even noon yet
On the flip side:
* able to eat an egg sandwich by 10:30am
* used another computer...na na na
* nothing good to say about paying bills *%$2#!
* at least I'll be more organized after the move
* nothing stolen at office
* will remember not to call that person again!
* it's noon and I'm thinking about my weekend retreat!
At least it's a good hair day!
I know! I know! That was shallow!
* computer whoas this am... (D***) d-link!...***that means darn ;)
* paid an insane $$ amount of bills
* still packing for our office move
* found office door unlocked while we were out of town :(
* on the phone for an hour with cs-rep for a transaction that only takes 2 seconds
* it's not even noon yet
On the flip side:
* able to eat an egg sandwich by 10:30am
* used another computer...na na na
* nothing good to say about paying bills *%$2#!
* at least I'll be more organized after the move
* nothing stolen at office
* will remember not to call that person again!
* it's noon and I'm thinking about my weekend retreat!
At least it's a good hair day!
I know! I know! That was shallow!
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