Melancholy and Blue

Over the past couple of days, I found myself feeling sad. Crying at the thought of family going through some really tough and heartbreaking stuff. Feeling weak and fragile that I cry at the mentioning of [ "how is your Mom and Niece doing?"] from concerned friends and business associates. Thinking guilty thoughts for allowing myself to indulge in this weakness because after all, I keep telling myself, "I'm not the one whose sick and suffering.!"

I think I'm finally realizing that maybe at some point ( more like now) I may need support for my feelings and emotions. I'm trying so hard all the time to hold it together with myself that the sheer thought of being anything but supportive and strong leaves me feeling fear and guilt. So many other things going on in my life that any additional pressure even minor in nature is difficult to manage. Convincing myself over and over that this is just a temporary funk and I will be out of it soon. Control and management in the "emotions" field is probably not something we can at all times harness with perfect results nor have a complete understanding of but there are lessons here to....one where I need to just decide to not think it is weak to cry and fall apart and to allow myself times to work through this labyrinth like water does over rocks in a river. To also be mindful in giving it to the Lord and letting go of it. To also talk more with friends who care and want to help. When I bring it all down to the basics and say to myself...."you are allowed to feel this way and it's not wrong" it comes into perspective. Loving myself enough to give myself time to sort it all out and to find comfort wherever and from whomever it is found. This to me seems the most rational method in dealing with this illogical state.

Each day brings it's own set of experiences and sometimes there are no rules or guidlines to follow. Every tomorrow is sometimes just like any other day. A day that has fixed schedules and appointments with the requisite "to do lists" and errands. Then there's the occasional pepper (emotions) ...the not on my list things.... thrown in for good measure. Maybe it's to make life more challenging and less mundane. Or it's to help us grow and learn more about ourselves? At days end, I hope it's the latter because above all else I want to be a better person even if it means enduring a bunch of sadness for now! I may not always handle it right, I may not even hold it together for that matter, but it's still good to know that I feel deeply about the things and people that matter. Even if I'm lacking good management of these little to big waves of uncontrolable consciousness, I am starting to believe that it will bring about an awareness and new perspective to my life, albeit, I'd much rather learn it all another way. I'm starting to think maybe this will make me a more sympathetic, thoughtful, tolerant and considerate person of others who are hit with the same or similar set of "no rules" feelings and issues. Maybe it's absurd for me to even try and sort out an answer for having to deal with these dark and unpredictable encounters of my psychie. Can I possibly be over analyzing? Lord knows there are reasons for feeling sad these days. Maybe just going through it and letting it out it's simply a kind of the release and that's all there is to it. A mechanism to keep us healthy and sane during troubled times. Is there a sensible explanation? I'm beginning to feel that these nonsensical outbursts may not be altogether that bad even if I do get out of control and difficult to understand at times (much to my husbands dismay)!
One thing is for darn sure, you can throw out the window the idea that my behavior is rational and easy to get a grip on and even though this may be true, it doesn't mean that they are not valid feelings and thoughts. So if by chance you see me weeping out of control and losing my composure, please know there must be a reason for it somewhere........ ;) In time I hope this will all work out for the better but for now I'm going off to have a good cry! I'll be strong tomorrow...........