"better to have loved than to not at have loved at all"
This morning started out with the usual exercising on my trusty old friend the treadmill. I’m so close to him after all these years I should give him a name, but as to not get sidetracked with that now, it began to dawn on me how essential he is to my life. There’s a dual benefit from hanging out with him and that is of course, the ever so vain aspect of getting and staying in shape but also it allows me the time to be reflective. This is my "me time” to be all alone, to be introspective and contemplative. Sometimes this is with humor and frivolity often times so bland that I don’t really recall what I was thinking about, except maybe the occasional talking to myself about how I should get past the pain and keep going to reach my goal. Other times it could be I’m thinking about my weekly schedule or the days upcoming event or my “to do” list but this morning it was digging deep into my inner voice. I know, I promised not to get to profound in my blog but what I was thinking about really hit home with me, a revelation of sorts.
Mulling over my fears, dreams, hopes and purpose in life is not a small task to undertake for I have many of each to deal with or search out, but crazy as it sounds, I take on the challenge of meeting them head-on all the while hoping I don’t get a blister on my foot to compound the matter.
I don’t inasmuch think of this time as a way to find answers as much as a means to purify my physic of all the unnecessary junk and clutter that piles up and tends to throw me off track.
This morning I was thinking about heartbreak. Maybe because the order of music for starting my routine was a song by Foreigner called “I want to know what love is” followed by “A peaceful kind of Feeling by the Eagles to Heartless from Heart. What a roundup eh? But it really got me to thinking. Asking myself the question “when was it for me to know what love is? Yeah, there are different degrees, levels and types of love. A mothers love, first love, love for family and friends but what I was searching for was love, whatever the kind, and how love does give you a peaceful kind of feeling (ushering in the second song of my 20 minute jog). For me, I think of love as universal language that can reach all levels. Love is euphoric but at the same time capabile of causing great heartbreak and misery to unbelievable depths. Each kind of love can when destroyed or broken can make your heart feel like its falling into a million little pieces. I remember saying a prayer like the words to the lyrics by Foreigner “Lord, I want to know what love is?” I am blessed that He answered those prayers but what I didn’t bargain for was the feeling of “here it is but what you do with it is entirely up to you” The element of how you can be gifted with it but there are no guarantees once you posses it. The black box of human interaction, being exposed to a potential inevitablity of it losing it.. The thrill of finding it and feeling like your flying so high like wings on a cloud to crashing and burning below when it’s no longer there, or you discover you've fallen from its pedestal. The vulnerability of it all!
For me, the love ride started when I first remembered my mothers love. When you know your protected and cared for when you hear her say “make sure you put a sweater on when you go outside so you don’t catch a cold” the comfort of feeling wanted and needed in the dynamics of a family, the warmth of a mothers caress and kindness that envelopes you and makes you feel safe all to one day come to an end by divorce. To the puppy love where he wouldn’t even give you the time of day, to a first love who really considered you as more of a one night stand then anything having to do with going steady. Moving on to find it again in a long-term relationship only to be blindsided and suddenly realize when it's to late that it was going nowhere at all in the first place. Why do we humans continue on in the quest to have it? To be ever so hopeful in coveting this very special brand of emotion? Even after disastor strikes and for me it was again and again. I believe it’s to constantly keep us aware that it’s not all about us. There is a greater love and that is what we should be striving for. All the heartaches and disappointments of being in and falling out of love to the devestating loss of it, have taught me a valuable lesson. NOT to depend on it so much idealistically, “the happily ever after kind”. I also believe that with all the ups and downs of this mysteriously wonderful emotion ,is for us NOT to take it for granted. To become so complacent in thinking that everything will be all right because of it. Is it essential? You betcha! Is it worth it? A resounding yes! What my experiences are in having the opportunity in finding love, or having been gifted with this incredibly monument us attribute is for me to recognize that I need to enjoy it while I have it. Stop and be thankful for it now. My mother once told me that: “if you should find love just once in your lifetime you have been blessed because some people never find it”! Oh, how sad that sounds to me. Wow, Some people never experience it? Yet, some people who do experience it, find in the end terrible hurt and may never want it again. This alone makes me think of its unique precarious power from soaring highs to utter despair. What else can bring us to our knees and overcome us quicker?
Who knows what tomorrow brings with the ever changing world we live in but one thing is for sure that while I’m still capable of loving and feeling loved. I’m not going to rest on that as a static take for granted experience. I’m going to celebrate it now. I’m going to revel in it while I have it from wherever, and whomever it’s found and hope that the heart the Lord blessed me with is a bottomless source of its beauty and wealth and in turn give back what I’ve been so lucky to find and share it with someone who needs to feel embraced by its warmth and goodness. Our preacher’s sermon this past Sunday dealt with “what is your gift to offer the church body”? Hmmm…. I never thought I had any real gifts until I started to contemplate it more and found that when I love, I love deeply and I believe in its power to heal and bind people together. Love is essential. I know that in spite of knowing that along with it there can be heartbreak and tears. I do fear the loss of it but I'm also assured that the power of it all comes from God and that my faith will keep me strong in it, again and again, no matter how many times my heart breaks. One very certain element for me in going through the different experiences of finding and losing love is that it has continually brought me closer to its Originator and Creator! God! And for that... I am truly blessed!
2 comments:
Wow..I don't know what to say. So wise, so eloquent. You are so wise and your heart is truly in the right place....you are blessed! Thanks for sharing.
Colleen,
How awesome that you decided to share that with all of us...it really puts things in perspective for me as well! It is all so true too..very wise!
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